Tough Decisions

So how crazy is it that I have been trying to get annulment for a year (moved out for two years) and in order to borrow money against my retirement I have to have his signature? But thats not even the worst kicker part of it. I need the money to pay my attorney to finish the annulment. AND the marriage isn't even legal. So what the heck? But it is what it is (a phrase I have come to despise).

Now what do I do? I have been thinking a lot about this. I don't have a lot of options. He already owes me a ton of money (almost 10k) and now he won't sign for me to get the loan so I can pay an attorney. And you know mommy and daddy are paying for his. But me, a single mom raising two kids with NO child support has to pay out of pocket for an attorney and he won't even sign a darn paper so I can do that. I hate him. So much. I never use the word hate because I think it is over used, it is way too powerful of a word for almost everything. But this time I truly mean it. I think it is wrong to hate a person... and I need to forgive. But for right now this is how it is. One day when things are said and done I will forgive and no longer hate. But right now... Its hate. He still has control over my life and my money. How does that work.

I'm trying to come up with a way to raise the money and raise it fast. I can't come up with much. The one thing I feel I could do now that I know I could raise more than enough money for is to go public with my story. For those that know me - you understand why that is true. I have already had conversations with a network about it. I don't want to do this because it exposes me. Big time. I don't want to do this because it exposes my boys. Big time. And believe it or not - I didn't want to do it because I know it would expose him too. Big time. Even worse than me. Even to a criminal point. I don't want to ruin his life. I just want mine back. That is all. But he won't let me.

Tuesday I have an appointment to talk with the network again (I guess I am using the right terminology for that) to determine what all it will entail. I am so nervous about all of this. But I don't really see any other way. And I need my life back for me and the kids. And the money they are talking about upfront will REALLY help me and the boys out. The money that could come from it after would probably set us for life. UGGGHH. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to tell the boys about him right now. I don't. I wanted to wait until they were older. But I believe I am going to have to tell them. I have an appt with a psychologist next week to help me figure out how to do that. Then give me some referrals for them to see someone. He doesn't understand that not only did he do so much damage to me, but to my kids too. I hate him.

Why does he insist on backing me into a wall like this? Why? I just want my life back. He has taken away some of my most precious years of my life. I just want to move on. If anyone knows him that reads this please ask him to let me move on.

Amanda

Numerous Ulcers

So this is an update to my last blog. Its going to be quick and dirty. My pain got bad. I couldn't take it bad. So I broke down and called the Doctor. I called my OBGYN's office because she is with a group of different types of Doctors and went to see an internalist in her office. I go to Quality Queen City Physicians in Hyde Park. She and the office were absolutely amazing. I would more than recommend her to anyone and she has only been my doctor for a week :)

Anyway - I had a scope on monday of my stomach and leading to it. The report came back and I have numerous ulcers. UGGGHH! Couldn't have anything to do with all of the stress I am under with this damn annulment and attorneys. So now its Nexium everyday and a BLAND BLAND BLAND diet. I have lost another 8 lbs in one week. So at least that is a good thing :)

So going to the Doctor this time was good.

No Doctors Please

I don't particularly believe in Doctors. Wait... I should restate that. I don't particularly believe in GOOD doctors. Other than my kids pediatricians. :)

So for the past year I have had some really bad stomach issues. It started out really bad early summer last year. I couldn't really eat anything for like three weeks (maybe thats why I lost weight so easily last year!) It didn't really get better, I just got used to it. Dealt with it. I didn't even know how to describe the pain so how was I going to go to the doctor and tell them what was wrong. So I dealt with it.

Well it has been getting worse lately. It used to be after I ate anything. I would have horrible pains, pains that caused headaches and I would want to cry. Now I am just so used to it - it really doesn't phase me. But now things are changing. Now I feel like this before I eat - when its time that I eat. I get horrible, horrible pains and need to eat. I feel so much better after I eat, but then about 30 min later I get the pains again. But now they are so bad I puke. I puke everything I eat and then I feel better again. Until I get hungry again. It's a horrible cycle.

If you know much about me you know I HATE puking. I absolutely hate it. I cry every time I puke. Its AWFUL. But for the last two weeks I have been puking at least once a day, sometimes three or four. I think the worst part is that I have to shower (or feel I need to) after each time. Does not go so well at work. And I am sure my water bill is going to be outrageous.

I have been doing research on this. I can't find anything. Well, I take that back. I have. I have found several blogs where people talk about the same symptoms (except theirs usually have missing periods or it right around the same time) and I don't have that issue. I am as regular as they get and it happens everyday all of the time. But either way they have no clue what it is. Before anyone says - you're pregnant. I want to tell you I am not. First of all it couldn't happen because I have the ten year BC and he has been snipped :) but also I've not missed periods and it has been happening for the last year.

It almost sounds like gallbladder problems. But my pain is not isolated on my left side. I don't know. I am really just dumbfounded. I guess thats why I am writing this. It's not so bad that it is disabling me. But maybe thats just me. I have always been that way. I just try to ignore it and figure it will go away until its really bad. I can tolerate a lot of pain when I am stubborn about it. So is it not disabling because I am stubborn? Or is it just nothing. I guess if it is really something wrong it will get disabling. For now, I will just work on getting used to it.

Police: Woman Posing As Boy Charged In Sex Case - Cincinnati News Story

Hmmm..... People should just be honest about who they are and let people make their own decisions on who they want to be with. Its ok if you want to change your gender - don't hide it from someone you are intimate with.

Woman allegedly poses as boy, solicits sex from Springboro teen

http://www.daytondailynews.com/news/dayton-news/woman-allegedly-poses-as-boy-solicits-sex-from-springboro-teen-798952.html

Noah's Audition

On June 25th Noah auditioned to sing at the WesternSouthern Tennis Open. Although I don't believe he made it, I do believe he did a fabulous job. I am a very proud momma. :)

Either way here is his video for you to watch. I have only listened to it 100 times already (on the views - it only counts my computer once - I promise they aren't all me!! LOL.

Hope you enjoy!

link is wwww.westernsouthern.com/castingcall if the video below does not work. He is number 11.

Kids - Too funny

I just had to post this today. Sometimes my kids just amaze me.

Recently I have been really missing the fact that my kids don't say the cute, laugh your butt off funny, innocent things anymore because they are older. Especially because I was around my niece for a week and she was too cute and said so many really cute, laugh your butt off, completely innocent things.

Well - today- Noah reminded me that he still says those things, but its a completely different laugh, because its at a completely different level. I laugh so hard because he is WAY too smart for his own good.

When little kids say things that you are thinking "you are way too smart for your own good" they really don't understand what they are saying... they are mimicking basically what they have heard somewhere else. But at Noah's age he knows what he is saying. And that makes it even funnier on a more complicated level. LOL. Or maybe its just me.

So on with the funny story... While I am work I allow the boys to communicate with me through Yahoo messenger. They just started this two days ago (today is day 3). They are only allowed to communicate with me (soon Leslie when she asks to be added :)!!). This is the conversation Noah and I had.... it was too funny.

amandalynnodom
i love you!
jonahnoahcalvert
love you to
amandalynnodom
when you say too in replace of "also" you should spell it with two "o's" like too. when you say to with one "o" it means you are going somewhere like "I am going to the store" or you could say "give this to him" thats how you use the word to with one "o". do you see the difference?
jonahnoahcalvert
oh yeah but its yahoo grammer is useless on yahoo
amandalynnodom
I am laughing so hard at you. you are way too smart Noah! I love you!
jonahnoahcalvert
love you too
amandalynnodom
:)

I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

Amanda