Fear

So I was thinking tonite. Thats already a bad sign - I know. And that was such a cliche - ok maybe not a cliche but totally typical to say. But for me - it REALLY is a bad sign. Like I have said so many times before I am an over analyzer. I really do over analyze everything.

So tonite I was thinking... I was thinking about how scared I get. Then I was thinking about how I LOVE scary movies and shows. But how in the world do I love them? I have to cover my eyes during scary parts, I get all tense and stressed and then afterwards I am TERRIFIED of everything. I can't sleep because I lie awake thinking of ways I can escape, except I can't think of any so then I start to panic that I don't know how I am going to get the boys and escape without the murderer finding us... So then I either go get the boys and bring them in bed with me or I go crawl in bed with them. But all of the while - I HAVE to watch the damn scary show or movie. And I love it! What is wrong with me?

BTW - I was trying to find a good picture of FEAR. This is it. This was a friend's little boy that went camping with us in 2007 - this was his face after I told one my ghost stories. LOL. Poor guy! You have to click on it to enlarge it to get the full 'fear factor'! He is so cute.

Some people like pain. They like the feeling. So i thought maybe this was similar. But I hate it. I hate pain. I hate everything about it. I can even say I hate how scared I get after watching this scary crap. But for some reason it is so intriguing. I am so drawn to it.

Let me throw this out there. I don't like fake scary movies or shows. I am not big on the horror films. When I say scary I mean like criminal minds scary. Murder mysteries. But its more on the serial killer murder mysteries. Those people attack and kill anyone and don't feel any remorse. It is SCARY. It could happen to anyone anywhere. I am just as random as the last random person to be victimized. It could happen. Not to mention that - although many "westsiders" think this is a great "up & coming" neighborhood - the neighborhood I live in is a haven for crime. Seems to be random crime. So it terrifies me.

So I just sat and watched five minutes of castle. FIVE minutes. I have never seen the show before and most of the five minutes was updates from last week and I am terrified. I actually got myself to turn it off and go to bed. But here I sit over an hour later terrified. I keep hearing noises. I freak out over every one of them. Why do I do it to myself?

I have lived alone (without other adults) now for a year and a half and I am still terrified at night. It doesn't help that the boyfriend scared the crap out of me this evening (not on purpose - but still!). Why am I so scared?

I need a pool boy to keep me from being scared at night. Thats a justifiable reason to need to hire a poolboy right? :)

I am going to crawl in bed with the boys now! Goodnight all.

Amanda