The Diet and the bag

Yes I am dieting. No its not pretty. Its not pretty for anyone. I have been dieting since May. Not too aggressively - but I've lost 45 lbs (well it was 50 but I gained 5 back over Christmas - UGGHH!). The issue is that this girl needs chocolate. This girl needs the occasional cheeseburger. This girl needs a McDonalds sausage and egg biscuit. This girl needs ALCOHOL! The scary part is when I don't get those things.

When I am craving the foods I love most and I try (and I stress try) not to eat them I get a little irritable. Some might describe me with out using the word little in front of irritable - but this is MY blog and I am using the word little.

I can usually feel it coming on. I know I am craving the food. I think a little about it. I move on. The craving gets a little stronger. I think a little more. I move on. Then I am craving it again. I am losing focus on everything I am doing. Can't focus on anything other than this damn craving. It is like it is taking over. I think about how badly I want it. I think about how I can't have it. I think about how if I just eat it I don't have to tell anyone and its ok. No one will know. Then I think thats silly because I will know and my scales will know. That is what matters. So then all I keep thinking is... no. no. no. You can't eat it.

Then I start to get this little feeling that the blood in my body is starting to boil. It starts in my toes and gently works its way up until I just can't take it anymore and it just all comes out in ways that were not intentionally intended (can I use those words together??). This whole process can take anywhere from 2min to 30min but not any longer than that. By the time it gets to that point it is beyond my control.

So thats the background to this story. I have a week to kick butt on my diet for this month. I need to loose 7lbs this week to be on track with my goal. What happened to the rest of January I don't know. But that was yesterday. This is today :) So this morning I packed my healthy, healthy breakfast and lunch. Really proud of myself. This morning I realized I forgot to put that healthy, healthy, packed breakfast and lunch in my car. Then I was frustrated.

I came up with a plan. Stop at the UDF and get a yogurt and an orange juice for breakfast. Then for lunch I would get a salad from Subway. I can do that. That will be healthy and the walk to Subway would be good for me. All should be good. All should go well. One would think.

Step one in the new plan: stop at UDF to get yogurt and orange juice. I pull in the parking lot. All is good. All is according to new plan. Get out of the car. All is good. All is according to plan. Walk into the store. Again all is according to plan and good. I pick out my yogurt. I pick out my OJ. Still all good and according to plan. I am doing so stinking good. So stinking good. I walk to the cash register. Wouldn't you know. Those warm, gooey, sweet, soft, melt-in-your-mouth Krispy Kreme doughnuts - I mean those DAMN Krispy Kreme doughnuts are located in a well lit display box right next to the checkout counter. They look so good. So tempting.

This was not a part of the plan. Yes, I realize the doughnuts have always been there. I realize that I have come in this UDF many times to buy my chocolate milk and my custard filled, chocolate covered, ooey, gooey Krispy Kreme doughnuts. One might say I should have known. I should have known. But those doughnuts were not supposed to catch my eye. They weren't supposed to stop me in my tracks. They weren't supposed to look so DAMN good. This was definitely not good. This was definitely not part of the plan. But life never is and we have to adjust our plan.

I adjusted my plan. NO - I DIDN'T go get a doughnut! I bit my tongue, squished up my toes and passed up the doughnuts and went straight to the counter and turned my head away from the display case. I paid for my yogurt and OJ. I walked out the door. This was good. This was according to plan.

I got in my car. I looked at my bag that the cashier had put my yogurt and OJ in. DID HE NOT ASK ME IF I WANTED IT BAGGED??? I would have said no. I know about those bags. I know about them. They are the same bags that I had put my doughnuts in so many times before. So many times before. The bag said doughnut (not literally). But it was lying. It was just yogurt. But the bag said doughnuts. It said doughnuts. Thats what it always had in it. My craving started to take over. The process was going at ULTRA speed. The craving had taken over all of my thoughts, my focus. I got out of the car. Not good. Not according plan.

I went back into the UDF. Definitely not good. Definitely not according to plan. I walked right up to the Krispy Kreme doughnuts - I got one of the bags - I grabbed the tongs and I picked out the warmest, ooiest, gooiest, sweetest, softest, melt-in-your-mouthiest, biggest, custard-filled, chocolate covered Krispy Kreme doughnut I could find. I put it in the bag. The bag that was MEANT for doughnuts. The bag that had made me happy so many times before. The bag that had disappointed me just minutes earlier. The doughnut bag. The wonderful, amazing, absolutely EVIL doughnut bag. This was definitely not according to plan. But it was soooo good. How could anyway say that this most perfect doughnut could be bad? How could they? Not even Socrates would consider this doughnut to be bad. It is inherently good. I know it.

I get to the counter. The cashier that has given me the permission to walk out of the store with my doughnut so many times before, the cashier that put my YOGURT in a DOUGHNUT bag and allowed me to walk out of the store was standing there waiting to give me permission to leave the store with my doughnut. He was a good, good man. I hand him the bag. I tell him just one today. He rings it up. I give him my cc. He says - ma'am, I am sorry but our cc machine is down.

WHAT??? I was just there. 2 min ago! I JUST used my cc to pay for that DAMN yogurt and OJ. He said it just went down. Had not even had a chance to put a sign up. He asked if I had cash. Of course I didn't have cash. Who carries cash anymore? Who? You can get robbed and all of your cash would be gone. OF COURSE I didn't have cash.

He politely suggests that I could wait about 10min and it should be ready to go. I DON'T have 10 min. I am late to work as it is (surprise, surprise). How could this be happening to me?

I take a deep breath. I calmly explained to him that I came in to get my yogurt. That is all I wanted. But he put it in a doughnut bag. This was very bad. Now I needed to have my doughnut. Could he please just write down my cc # and run it when it was back up. He said NO. He said No. He said No. That blood boiling at the bottom of my toes SHOT UP to my head and steam came out. I think he knew it. His eyes got big (or maybe that was my eyes getting big). He started explaining all of the reasons he couldn't do it. I couldn't hear any of it.

I took a deep breath. I put my doughnut on the counter. I looked him in the eyes. I leaned forward. I said "I need this doughnut and you are going to give it to me - period"

I don't what happened after that. I think I blacked out. Next thing I know I am in my car licking chocolate off my fingers and feeling better than I have felt in a very very long time. What an amazing, amazing doughnut.

I have to make sure step 2 of the plan goes better.

The best part of this entire story is that the story really ended with me noticing the bag was a doughnut bag and it made me really want one. But I went on into work and ate my yogurt and drank my OJ. But that would not have made for a very good story. I like this one much better. Hopefully tomorrow I will remember my breakfast and lunch. Hopefully Subway will go smoothly. Hopefully I will loose my 7 lbs this week.