Wow. I'm Proud.

This post was to be written yesterday but I didn't get a chance - too busy with wrestling, reports and printing and homework. Nothing for me all for the kids. But that is why my life is so great. My boys.

Ok so my post. Yesterday I went to pay my car payment. I realized that I have had my car for one year. I have lived alone (with the boys of course) in my house for one year and 4 months. I have had the SOLE responsibility of all of my bills, the boys and myself for one year and 4 months.

Let me tell you why this is such a big deal. When I was married my bills didn't get paid. Our electricity was shut off at least three times. Our gas was shut off. Our water was shut off at one point. Our cable and satellite was shut off more times than I can count. We didn't even pay rent or mortgage or car insurance. Our car payment was late or not paid several times.

I was not in charge of paying bills. My ex-husband insisted on doing this. Period. I was, however, the only one that worked consistently at the same, great, full time job for 4 and half years and have never gone without a job except for the month that I first moved to Cincinnati and had to find a new job. He worked occasionally - but never held a job for even a year - while we were together.

I stayed in the marriage for too long because I was TERRIFIED I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. If I couldn't afford all of the bills now - with two people working and no house payment - how could I take this on all on my own? Also I didn't have a car so how would I get back and forth to work, grocery shop and get the kids where they needed to be when they needed to be there.

But enough was enough. I couldn't live in that situation any longer. The boys were going with out things just because my ex needed new shoes or to go out to dinner or to take a trip or to have satellite tv (whatever he spent all of our money on). So I did it. I figured out how to come up with enough money to have first months rent and deposit. I figured out how to have enough money to buy groceries and supplies for the house for when we first moved in. I found a house that would rent to me even though my credit had been shot. I figured out transportation. I was going to do this. It was probably one of the scariest things I have had to do. Scary because I had the boys. Because I would have sole responsibility. Scary because I had never lived on my own like that before. Never. Especially not with two boys that I had to raise and take care of on my own. I don't get child support. Every penny I get is earned. Everything was on me.

On Oct 10, 2008, I did it. I moved out. I moved into my own place. A house. A very cute house. Just down the street from the boys school. No car. Barely any money - but enough to pay first months rent and deposit. My electricity could not even be put in my name because my ex ran my bill up over 2,100 and I didn't know it and I didn't have the money to pay that off. So my landlord was kind enough to put it in his name.

Now - a year and four months later... I have a car. Have had a car for a year now. A nice car. A mini van with bells and whistles. I have my same job. I am still in my house. I have NEVER been late on my rent. I have NEVER been late on my car payment. I have NEVER been late on my electric, water or internet bills. I have NEVER been late on my car insurance. My kids are involved with every sports team they want to be involved in and cubscouts. All, of which costs money. I have been able to take them on vacation and have birthdays and Christmas's for them. All of this I have done on my own. All of it. I did it. I did it. I am still doing it. It feels so good. I am so happy.

Through this journey I have learned a lot about myself. Mostly I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I have re-learned who I am and who I want to be. I was made to feel by my ex and his family that I couldn't do this on my own. That I was part of the problem for not having bills paid. That I needed them to be able to survive. Well I don't. I didn't.

People ask me if I regret meeting him. If I regret marrying him. I will be honest - I have felt that way. But - I remind myself that even though I struggled, even though it was not a good situation at all - I learned a lot from it. I became stronger. I have gained a lot because of it. Not because of him - but because I made the most of it, I held strong and I came out of it.

So today - I am proud of myself. Maybe I shouldn't be so proud. But today I am. Today I am patting myself on the back. I am strong, I can do anything I want to do and I deserve so much better than what he gave me. I can do it on my own. I am proud today.