Is it really so bad to be Gigi? And if I am and it is bad, how do I make myself not be?
I am like Gigi in a lot of ways. FIRST: I think things went really well - so I know he's going to call. If he doesn't its because he's busy, out of town, lost my number or - my best excuse - he liked me so much it scared him! Yeah that one is a good one :) SECOND: I also check my email or my phone constantly hoping I will hear from him. Every ding I hear on my email I look quickly to see if it is from him. Then its not (ok sometimes it is - but 98% of the time its not). I know crazy right? But - I'm not crazy. I just look forward to hearing from people I like. I even do it to Leslie. My cousin. I know she likes me (right, Leslie?) Or any friend for that matter. Anyone I like. It should be a good thing to look forward to hearing from the person you like. THIRD: I over analyze. I over analyze everything. I over analyze good stuff and I over analyze bad stuff. I should just see it for what it is. But is it ever? For me its pretty much not. Except - for the time it should have been thought out and it wasn't then its hard to explain how it really was nothing - not thought out. But usually - everything I say and do is for some reason - not playing games - but putting thought into it. So I tend to assume EVERYONE is like that. "so he said this - so it HAS to mean that". Yeah I know I am not the only one to do this. Gigi does it. LAST - but not least: I fall too easily. This is my issue I have to deal with first. The other stuff... it will come in time.
I have a track record for falling easily for a guy. It has not proven to be a very good thing. At all. I have been hurt VERY badly by doing this. I promised myself I would NEVER let it happen again. I don't intentionally do this. In fact my every intention is to get to know someone slowly. To just have fun. To not get serious. I don't need serious. I don't need complicated. I don't need drama. I am still learning about me. I am still enjoying being single. I am still enjoying my freedom. I am enjoying having a great time out with friends. I don't need serious.
So what happens? I know its not the guy trying to get complicated. How do I let myself feel serious. Feel complicated. How do I let myself feel? Why do I get so attracted. Why do I like them so easily. Why do I let myself feel? I just want to have fun. I just want to be liked. I just want someone to want to be around me. But I don't want to feel.
I don't feel for just anyone. Or I don't think I do. I am picky. I have my standards. I stick by them. You don't go to church - not for me. You can't support yourself - not for me. You don't know how to make me laugh - not for me. You have no ambitions - not for me. You don't know how to be independent - not for me. You don't open my door - not for me. I don't fall for those guys. I did that once. I won't do it again. So maybe I could say that the reason I am falling so hard is that I pick the ones I know could be for me. So its easy to fall. I know its not true. But thats how I justify my issue. But thats it. I shouldn't have to justify. I want to feel.
Why wouldn't you want to feel? Why would you not want to like someone? Why would you push someone away just because you like them? Yeah - I do tend to like someone quickly. But not everyone. There are some that I should like. I should want to see them everytime I have a chance. But I don't. I don't feel them. But - the issue - the issue is the ones I do like.
So we go out. We go out. We go out together so I can stop thinking about the one person that I wished would think about me. I knew I wouldn't like him. He's too young. He's a pilot. He's just going to be for fun. He's just going to be to help me get beyond wanting someone that doesn't want me. We go out. We have a great time. We can't stop talking. We can't stop laughing. We can't stop having fun. We are funny. We are goofy. We are smart. We are fun. We are conversationalists. We are. We just are. We like each other. So a second date.
More talking. More laughing. More conversations. More fun. More like. We have another great time. I like him more. I like being around him. I like the way he makes me feel. Ohhh. There is that feel thing. I want to feel. I don't want to feel. I should feel. I shouldn't feel. I wasn't supposed to feel. I am feeling.
Third date and fourth date and fifth date. Talking. Laughing. Dancing. Eating. Smiling. Drinking. Laughing. Looking. Talking. Dancing. Laughing. Talking. Feeling. Liking. Feeling. Why? Why do I feel? I should just be having fun, right? Just having fun. But he makes me like him. He makes me. He does. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He makes me feel. I shouldn't feel.
So I know I am falling. I am know I am. I don't want to. It's crazy. We don't know each other. We have known each other for not even two weeks. For five dates? Its scary. He's going to break my heart. I don't want him to. I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to feel.
How do I not feel? How do I turn it off? How do I step back from someone I want to step closer to? How do I push someone away that I like so easily? Why would I want to? Why wouldn't I want to like someone? Why wouldn't I want someone to like me. Why do I want to not feel? Feeling is good. It feels good. He likes me. I know. I know because he tells me. Its not a guessing game (for the most part).
We both know we shouldn't like each other. I should not like him. He should not like me. It's been 10 days. So we have to stop liking each other. We have to put on the brakes. Be careful of what we say. Make sure we don't let the other person think we like them too much. We have to have awkward "not sure what to say, cause it might mean something" conversations. We have to stop making each other like us. We have to stop. We can't feel this way. We can't feel. Its been 10 days.
That is CRAZY. I like him. He likes me. Why can't we tell each other that. Instead we text "ok" and "no" back and forth because thats all we can say because we can't say I like you. So we have this goofy thing - that we know in our heads what it means but thats not what it says so its ok to say it. So when he is thinking of me he texts "ok". Then I text "ok" back because I am thinking of him. Then he says "ok" and I say "no". Because I can't feel. I can't think of him. I can't like him. So he says "no". He can't feel. He can't think of me. He can't like me. Thats it. Until the next "ok".
So I need to know how to stop. How to stop feeling. How to stop liking. How to stop falling. How to stop getting hurt. I don't know how. I don't even know why. I just know I need to stop.
