I'm So Excited....

I am SOOOO singing that in my head. Too bad thats the only line I know. LOL. I guess I could go look it up - but then it might really get stuck in my head. And I might drive people crazy.

Believe it or not this blog is going to be short. But I just wanted to post this because I'm So EXCITED (singing)!!!!

I just finished booking my hotel for Vegas. Flight was booked last week (thanks Les). I am going with my bestest, wonderfulest, amazingest, best friendest cousin Leslie and two other people that don't really count (LOL - jk). It is her 30th birthday. I can not wait to go. I have never been and I am going to have so much fun. I'm counting down the days.

But I am also even more excited because I have three more trips planned this year. I am turning 30 this year people - I have to make it a GREAT year so I will be off to a great start to my thirties!

So in Feb I am going to Vegas (already mentioned). In March I am going to Gatlinberg (its my sweetie's 40th!) Ok that sounded really cheesy but I am leaving it anyway! LOL. In July I am going to Walt Disney World (so looking forward to this with the boys!!! I already have my tickets!) and this fall - I am going to Europe with Leslie to celebrate my 30th. We are calling it our "been there, done that" trip. Going to Spain, Amsterdam, Paris, and whereever else we find time to go! :) We say we are going backpacking - but we all know Leslie and she couldn't backpack all of her cell phones and gadgets!!! LOL. Love Leslie.

Somehow in all of this I guess I have to figure out if I can make it to Houston to see you Windi. :) Maybe you should go to Walt Disney World with us. We can make mom go too. It would be so much fun and she would have all of her grandkids with her at walt disney world. It would be great since she never got to take us! (sorry that whole message was for Windi - hope she reads it! LOL)

Ok off to go pick up the boys.... I'm So Excited!

To Dr. Phil or not to Dr. Phil....

I think I should write to Dr. Phil. I think I would be a perfect candidate for his psychoanalysis.

Last month I came to a realization. I realized that I am not normal. Ok - so I have known that for a while - lol. But seriously... I have this issue. And last month I realized that what was happening to me did not happen to everyone. I think Dr. Phil could help.

Not to talk about my ex again... but he really traumatized me for life in so many ways. Maybe its bad.... but maybe its good. Yes I always find a positive in EVERYTHING.

From the moment I met my ex... every - EVERY word out of his mouth was a lie. Seriously. I didn't know it. I was naive. Ok maybe stupid - but I prefer naive! I believed him. I trusted him. Why wouldn't I? Why would someone tell me he graduated from NorthWestern with a Bachelors degree in biology if they didn't? Why would someone tell me they had a full time job as a firefighter/emt if they didn't? Why would someone tell me they were in the Coast Guard Reserves if they weren't? Why would someone tell me they had a sister if they didn't? Why?

But he did. And that was only when we first met. It was all down hill from there. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie of some sort. EVERYTHING. But enough about him. This blog is about me. ME. Not him. I am self absorbed (so Leslie tells me!)

So after 6 years of this I have found myself thinking everyone is lying. Everytime someone tells me something - I think - wait... don't just believe them... they are probably lying. Don't just trust what they say. Its not just guys I meet. Not just my boyfriend. Not just men. It's everyone. My kids. My boss. My friends. My kids school principal. My vendors. My attorney. My hairdresser. Everyone. They could tell me they saw a squirrel climb a tree in their backyard and I think to myself - "do you really think they did?"

I do this for everyone. It is so much a part of my life that I just assumed it was normal. That every did this. It has been so much a part of my life I can't remember not being like this. But I know I used to not be this way. If I had been I would have known the truth about my ex right away because I would have looked into things and not just taken his word for it.

So you might think - well this is good for you. You shouldn't be so naive. You shouldn't just trust everyone. This way you won't make the same mistakes. Which all would be great if that was all it did for me. But the issue is... it is now hindering my relationships. Not just with my boyfriend.. but with everyone.

Of course I really noticed it because of my boyfriend. When I first met him - everything he told me I checked in to. (I think I have told him that... lol... if not I'm sure he knows now!) He wasn't lying. Of course he wasn't. Why would he. Most people don't. But then it got the point of me not trusting in anything he said. Not believing him. But he has never given me a reason to doubt him. In fact he has gone out of his way just to prove himself to me because of my trust issue. He has been so patient and understanding but how long will he put up with it? Its becoming a real issue.

Over the summer I had a big issue happen at work. Really the big blow up ultimately consists of me not believing what they were saying. But why would they lie? They wouldn't. They are honest, sincere, professional people. But all I could think is that I am sure they have to be lying to me. Not telling me the truth because that is what everyone does. It was a huge issue.

I could go on and on with situations that this has really been hindering me. Why am I so cynical? I have never been this way before. I don't like this side of me - not at all. Why? How do I stop it?

This really feeds into my over analyzing issue. LOL. Which can be nothing but bad news!!!

I want to tell people - please put up with it... I can't help it... I was traumatized. I went through so much. But thats not fair either. They didn't do it to me. They have never given me reason to not trust them. Never. Yet I don't trust them. For the most part they have given me EVERY reason to trust them. Yet I still can't trust them. How long will people put up with this from me?

So do I ask them to deal with it because I am a "victim" of sorts. Or do I stand up and do something about. Do I fight back and work hard on overcoming this. Honestly - when I started to write this I seriously was struggling with what to do. But as I just typed this paragraph I realized what I have to do. I am not a victim. I am strong. I am a fighter.

Tomorrow will be day one of my fight against the fear that everyone is lying to me. Step one. Admitting. I can't wait to get started. Who wants to be my first? lol.

I promise this will be my last post that has anything to do with my ex for awhile. I am just starting to really deal with everything that happened during those years of my life. I am really trying to overcome it all and put it behind me for good. But I do have to deal with what happened and what it did for me. Some people may feel it was just lies. It was just fiscal irresponsibility. But trust me... it was bigger than all of that. It has damaged me. It has changed my entire way I view the world. But now its my responsibility to use it for the good. I will. I promise.

Wow. I'm Proud.

This post was to be written yesterday but I didn't get a chance - too busy with wrestling, reports and printing and homework. Nothing for me all for the kids. But that is why my life is so great. My boys.

Ok so my post. Yesterday I went to pay my car payment. I realized that I have had my car for one year. I have lived alone (with the boys of course) in my house for one year and 4 months. I have had the SOLE responsibility of all of my bills, the boys and myself for one year and 4 months.

Let me tell you why this is such a big deal. When I was married my bills didn't get paid. Our electricity was shut off at least three times. Our gas was shut off. Our water was shut off at one point. Our cable and satellite was shut off more times than I can count. We didn't even pay rent or mortgage or car insurance. Our car payment was late or not paid several times.

I was not in charge of paying bills. My ex-husband insisted on doing this. Period. I was, however, the only one that worked consistently at the same, great, full time job for 4 and half years and have never gone without a job except for the month that I first moved to Cincinnati and had to find a new job. He worked occasionally - but never held a job for even a year - while we were together.

I stayed in the marriage for too long because I was TERRIFIED I wouldn't be able to do it on my own. If I couldn't afford all of the bills now - with two people working and no house payment - how could I take this on all on my own? Also I didn't have a car so how would I get back and forth to work, grocery shop and get the kids where they needed to be when they needed to be there.

But enough was enough. I couldn't live in that situation any longer. The boys were going with out things just because my ex needed new shoes or to go out to dinner or to take a trip or to have satellite tv (whatever he spent all of our money on). So I did it. I figured out how to come up with enough money to have first months rent and deposit. I figured out how to have enough money to buy groceries and supplies for the house for when we first moved in. I found a house that would rent to me even though my credit had been shot. I figured out transportation. I was going to do this. It was probably one of the scariest things I have had to do. Scary because I had the boys. Because I would have sole responsibility. Scary because I had never lived on my own like that before. Never. Especially not with two boys that I had to raise and take care of on my own. I don't get child support. Every penny I get is earned. Everything was on me.

On Oct 10, 2008, I did it. I moved out. I moved into my own place. A house. A very cute house. Just down the street from the boys school. No car. Barely any money - but enough to pay first months rent and deposit. My electricity could not even be put in my name because my ex ran my bill up over 2,100 and I didn't know it and I didn't have the money to pay that off. So my landlord was kind enough to put it in his name.

Now - a year and four months later... I have a car. Have had a car for a year now. A nice car. A mini van with bells and whistles. I have my same job. I am still in my house. I have NEVER been late on my rent. I have NEVER been late on my car payment. I have NEVER been late on my electric, water or internet bills. I have NEVER been late on my car insurance. My kids are involved with every sports team they want to be involved in and cubscouts. All, of which costs money. I have been able to take them on vacation and have birthdays and Christmas's for them. All of this I have done on my own. All of it. I did it. I did it. I am still doing it. It feels so good. I am so happy.

Through this journey I have learned a lot about myself. Mostly I have learned I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I have re-learned who I am and who I want to be. I was made to feel by my ex and his family that I couldn't do this on my own. That I was part of the problem for not having bills paid. That I needed them to be able to survive. Well I don't. I didn't.

People ask me if I regret meeting him. If I regret marrying him. I will be honest - I have felt that way. But - I remind myself that even though I struggled, even though it was not a good situation at all - I learned a lot from it. I became stronger. I have gained a lot because of it. Not because of him - but because I made the most of it, I held strong and I came out of it.

So today - I am proud of myself. Maybe I shouldn't be so proud. But today I am. Today I am patting myself on the back. I am strong, I can do anything I want to do and I deserve so much better than what he gave me. I can do it on my own. I am proud today.

The Diet and the bag

Yes I am dieting. No its not pretty. Its not pretty for anyone. I have been dieting since May. Not too aggressively - but I've lost 45 lbs (well it was 50 but I gained 5 back over Christmas - UGGHH!). The issue is that this girl needs chocolate. This girl needs the occasional cheeseburger. This girl needs a McDonalds sausage and egg biscuit. This girl needs ALCOHOL! The scary part is when I don't get those things.

When I am craving the foods I love most and I try (and I stress try) not to eat them I get a little irritable. Some might describe me with out using the word little in front of irritable - but this is MY blog and I am using the word little.

I can usually feel it coming on. I know I am craving the food. I think a little about it. I move on. The craving gets a little stronger. I think a little more. I move on. Then I am craving it again. I am losing focus on everything I am doing. Can't focus on anything other than this damn craving. It is like it is taking over. I think about how badly I want it. I think about how I can't have it. I think about how if I just eat it I don't have to tell anyone and its ok. No one will know. Then I think thats silly because I will know and my scales will know. That is what matters. So then all I keep thinking is... no. no. no. You can't eat it.

Then I start to get this little feeling that the blood in my body is starting to boil. It starts in my toes and gently works its way up until I just can't take it anymore and it just all comes out in ways that were not intentionally intended (can I use those words together??). This whole process can take anywhere from 2min to 30min but not any longer than that. By the time it gets to that point it is beyond my control.

So thats the background to this story. I have a week to kick butt on my diet for this month. I need to loose 7lbs this week to be on track with my goal. What happened to the rest of January I don't know. But that was yesterday. This is today :) So this morning I packed my healthy, healthy breakfast and lunch. Really proud of myself. This morning I realized I forgot to put that healthy, healthy, packed breakfast and lunch in my car. Then I was frustrated.

I came up with a plan. Stop at the UDF and get a yogurt and an orange juice for breakfast. Then for lunch I would get a salad from Subway. I can do that. That will be healthy and the walk to Subway would be good for me. All should be good. All should go well. One would think.

Step one in the new plan: stop at UDF to get yogurt and orange juice. I pull in the parking lot. All is good. All is according to new plan. Get out of the car. All is good. All is according to plan. Walk into the store. Again all is according to plan and good. I pick out my yogurt. I pick out my OJ. Still all good and according to plan. I am doing so stinking good. So stinking good. I walk to the cash register. Wouldn't you know. Those warm, gooey, sweet, soft, melt-in-your-mouth Krispy Kreme doughnuts - I mean those DAMN Krispy Kreme doughnuts are located in a well lit display box right next to the checkout counter. They look so good. So tempting.

This was not a part of the plan. Yes, I realize the doughnuts have always been there. I realize that I have come in this UDF many times to buy my chocolate milk and my custard filled, chocolate covered, ooey, gooey Krispy Kreme doughnuts. One might say I should have known. I should have known. But those doughnuts were not supposed to catch my eye. They weren't supposed to stop me in my tracks. They weren't supposed to look so DAMN good. This was definitely not good. This was definitely not part of the plan. But life never is and we have to adjust our plan.

I adjusted my plan. NO - I DIDN'T go get a doughnut! I bit my tongue, squished up my toes and passed up the doughnuts and went straight to the counter and turned my head away from the display case. I paid for my yogurt and OJ. I walked out the door. This was good. This was according to plan.

I got in my car. I looked at my bag that the cashier had put my yogurt and OJ in. DID HE NOT ASK ME IF I WANTED IT BAGGED??? I would have said no. I know about those bags. I know about them. They are the same bags that I had put my doughnuts in so many times before. So many times before. The bag said doughnut (not literally). But it was lying. It was just yogurt. But the bag said doughnuts. It said doughnuts. Thats what it always had in it. My craving started to take over. The process was going at ULTRA speed. The craving had taken over all of my thoughts, my focus. I got out of the car. Not good. Not according plan.

I went back into the UDF. Definitely not good. Definitely not according to plan. I walked right up to the Krispy Kreme doughnuts - I got one of the bags - I grabbed the tongs and I picked out the warmest, ooiest, gooiest, sweetest, softest, melt-in-your-mouthiest, biggest, custard-filled, chocolate covered Krispy Kreme doughnut I could find. I put it in the bag. The bag that was MEANT for doughnuts. The bag that had made me happy so many times before. The bag that had disappointed me just minutes earlier. The doughnut bag. The wonderful, amazing, absolutely EVIL doughnut bag. This was definitely not according to plan. But it was soooo good. How could anyway say that this most perfect doughnut could be bad? How could they? Not even Socrates would consider this doughnut to be bad. It is inherently good. I know it.

I get to the counter. The cashier that has given me the permission to walk out of the store with my doughnut so many times before, the cashier that put my YOGURT in a DOUGHNUT bag and allowed me to walk out of the store was standing there waiting to give me permission to leave the store with my doughnut. He was a good, good man. I hand him the bag. I tell him just one today. He rings it up. I give him my cc. He says - ma'am, I am sorry but our cc machine is down.

WHAT??? I was just there. 2 min ago! I JUST used my cc to pay for that DAMN yogurt and OJ. He said it just went down. Had not even had a chance to put a sign up. He asked if I had cash. Of course I didn't have cash. Who carries cash anymore? Who? You can get robbed and all of your cash would be gone. OF COURSE I didn't have cash.

He politely suggests that I could wait about 10min and it should be ready to go. I DON'T have 10 min. I am late to work as it is (surprise, surprise). How could this be happening to me?

I take a deep breath. I calmly explained to him that I came in to get my yogurt. That is all I wanted. But he put it in a doughnut bag. This was very bad. Now I needed to have my doughnut. Could he please just write down my cc # and run it when it was back up. He said NO. He said No. He said No. That blood boiling at the bottom of my toes SHOT UP to my head and steam came out. I think he knew it. His eyes got big (or maybe that was my eyes getting big). He started explaining all of the reasons he couldn't do it. I couldn't hear any of it.

I took a deep breath. I put my doughnut on the counter. I looked him in the eyes. I leaned forward. I said "I need this doughnut and you are going to give it to me - period"

I don't what happened after that. I think I blacked out. Next thing I know I am in my car licking chocolate off my fingers and feeling better than I have felt in a very very long time. What an amazing, amazing doughnut.

I have to make sure step 2 of the plan goes better.

The best part of this entire story is that the story really ended with me noticing the bag was a doughnut bag and it made me really want one. But I went on into work and ate my yogurt and drank my OJ. But that would not have made for a very good story. I like this one much better. Hopefully tomorrow I will remember my breakfast and lunch. Hopefully Subway will go smoothly. Hopefully I will loose my 7 lbs this week.

mad

Today I am mad at him. He doesn't know it yet but I am. He will know it when I talk to him. He should be scared.

Yeah right. I am a big weeny. Even when I am mad (and I am) I ALWAYS give in. Because what if he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I got mad. That's silly. I know. But it is my real thought.

So. Why am I mad? I am mad because he told me that he would text me if he wasn't going to be able to meet up with me at the bar. Did he? No. So... all night at the bar I was waiting for him to walk through the door and for me to run up to him and hug him and kiss him. I was waiting all evening to be able to have a slow dance with him. I didn't get it.

But the real reason this upsets me. Not because he didn't come. Not because I didn't get my dance. Not because I had been looking forward to it all week. But because the roads were really bad. I was worried all night when I realized he didn't show up that something had happened. Something bad had happened. An accident where he could not call me to tell me. For it to be that bad it would have had to been a terrible accident where he was in the hospital. Because there could not possibly be any other excuse for why he did not text, call or show up.

So when I got home my thought was - "God, please let him be ok". So I texted him. I texted him and said "I am worried about you. Roads are bad. I am worried call or text me when you get this." So I waited for a bit. Then it suddenly changed to - "God please let something bad have happened because if it didn't I'm going to have to hurt him!" :)

So around 230 am he calls me. I am sleeping. He is all chipper. And acts like there is nothing wrong. All things are lovely. Birds are singing. So this of course makes me even more mad. But I was asleep and there is no way I can tell him how mad I am. So I didn't. I just got off the phone.

I wake up this morning and he texted at like 4am telling me he misses me. Does he know hes in trouble or is he just being sweet? He probably knows hes in trouble. Although hes usually very sweet too.

Its now 4pm and I haven't talked to him yet. But when I do I will let you know who survives :)