I struggled with whether or not I should write this post. I have been laying in bed for 30 minutes thinking about it. I didn't want to because I was afraid it would get too mushy and that people (friends) would roll their eyes. I didn't want to because I was afraid my questioning things might make other people (the subject of the blog) wonder why I am questioning so much. But then I realized (as I have said so many other times) this blog is for me to get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper (or screen for this matter). It is very therapeutic for me.
So on with it ALREADY! Over the last few weeks (maybe months) and especially the last few hours I have been wondering how in the world I have been so lucky. I am lucky I have my boys and they are all mine. They are so smart, so loving, very handsome and absolutely wonderful. I might be a little biased. I am so lucky I have the job that I have. I don't even have my bachelors degree yet I have a job that requires a masters degree in many areas of the university. A job that I had absolutely NO qualifications for when I was hired but I have learned SOOO much since I got the job and continue to learn. I love the people I work with and love the work I do. I love that I have enough flexibility to work from home when I need to - to leave everyday early and work from home the last two hours so that I can pick my kids up from school everyday. Don't get me wrong on some days I wonder how I am going to keep going in the job and some days I hate my job - but I really really do know how lucky I am to have it.
I am so lucky to have the family and the friends that I have. My family supports me through everything - even when I have made decisions that might not have been the best. My family are my very best friends. I can turn to them for anything and they are there when i don't need them. I can support them as much as the support me (in my own capable ways) and I know I couldn't live with out them. My friends that I have made since I have been here have become my family in Cincinnati. They are there for me when I don't even know I need them. HMMM. :) My friends from home are always still there for me and all though I don't get to see or talk to them as much as I would love when I am with them it feels like we haven't missed a beat.
But what this post is about is the man that I have fallen in love with over the past several months. I have gone through a lot in my life. A lot because of decisions I have made. But I have been through a lot. I have trusted people that did not deserve my trust and been hurt by people I trusted the most. Some would say after hearing my whole story that they couldn't imagine how I get through it all - how I overcome it or how I could trust or love again. For me - each situation has been a learning lesson. Each bad situation has made me a stronger better person. Every bad thing has truly had some piece of it that was positive and the positive more than outweighs the negative. Sometimes it is just hard for people to see the positive for the negative. Its a lot easier to dwell on the negative than to focus on the positive. But for me I can't get past the positive. I strive for it. I look for it. I feed off of it. I need it. I crave it. Maybe this is why I can be so naive sometimes. Because I always look for the good, the positive, I always have hope, faith and want to believe. Maybe this is a fault of mine - but I like to think of it as a strength. Yes I might get hurt, but without that hurt I wouldn't know the joy. The joy I have in my life. Without the hurt I would not have Noah or Jonah. With out the hurt I would not have the job I have now. Without the hurt I wouldn't be who I am today - period. So bring it on! I want more JOY! :)
Ok - I keep getting off the topic :) Where is my focus tonite? So the man I have fallen in love with. He is not without his faults and yes I see them and I know what they are. I am also aware that there are probably more that I don't know about yet. But I also know he is an absolutely amazing man. He puts me and my boys before everything, except his boys of course. He amazes me everyday with his thoughtfulness. He doesn't know it, but my smile is stuck to my face everytime I think about him. He lights me up. I just can't say enough about it. Just to name a few things about what I find amazing about him - He is successful in his career and ambitious to continue to move ahead, he is an amazing dad and treats my boys with respect and compassion, he is smart, funny and corny. He has the wrong political views but happily agrees to disagree with me :) He lets me always think I am right even when I am wrong. He has agreed to always let my mom be right and never stick his nose in our business. He knows he has to love my singing and dance with me anytime I ask. He can fix my plumbing, cook my dinner, change my oil, rescue the hamster and hem my pants! Could I ask for anything more? :) He is right now making the boys pine wood derby cars and Jonah's Jesus day banner - can't tell you how much this helps me. He sends me texts and tells me simple things that make my heart melt instantly. Today he sent a text and said "what does a man do when he finds someone who has the ability to make his world better than it has been or he could imagine it could be? Never let her go! LYMY" (which means love you, miss you) He has his life together, has dreams for his future and aims for the best he and his family can be. He puts his family before himself and anything else. Most importantly - He loves me and thinks I am the best thing since sliced bread. I could go on - but I am sure I have totally gone way over board already.
So my original question - how do I know? All of these absolutely wonderful things about him, how do I know this is all true? How do I know I am not missing something. How do I know that one day this isn't going to all change? How do I know that he will be the same person a year from now, five years from now? I know we all change and grow and if we didn't that would be very bad. But what doesn't change is our core. The core of who we are. What I see now in him is what I see in the man I want to spend my life with - the image of the man I have always wanted to spend my life with. But how do I know that that is truly him? How do I know that this isn't all an act?
I have been there before and it was all lies. Before I rushed things. I didn't pay attention to the signs (although I knew at the time they were there I just chose to ignore them). How do I know I am not missing something now? I made sure he had his degree like he said (Chris did not). I made sure he really worked where he said (Chris did not). I made sure he really was who he was, used his real name (Chris did not). I made sure he was really who he said he was (I know I repeated this - but its for a reason and some know why and others don't) - Chris was not.
I know a big answer to this is time. Just be patient and give everything plenty of time. That is what we both want. To do this right. To take our time. But is there a right amount of time? And time for what? We aren't getting married. Well not anytime soon FOR SURE. So we have tons of time to get to know each other. But I am already at a place that if he changes or if what I believe is him is not him - I will be absolutely devastated. So I am beyond the point of not getting hurt. I could so easily be hurt badly. The more time I give it, the more time I give to him, the more time I have to fall for him - the worst I get hurt if this is all lies. So how do I know? When do I know? What will I know? Will there ever be a time that I can say - now is the time I don't have to worry anymore? Will there be a point in time where I will know that he is who he is - that he is that amazing amazing man I know right now? Will there a time where I will know I am not going to be hurt? How do I know?
I love him. I don't want to loose him. I don't want to worry. I want to just let go. But how do I do that? When do I do that? How do I know?
