To Dr. Phil or not to Dr. Phil....

I think I should write to Dr. Phil. I think I would be a perfect candidate for his psychoanalysis.

Last month I came to a realization. I realized that I am not normal. Ok - so I have known that for a while - lol. But seriously... I have this issue. And last month I realized that what was happening to me did not happen to everyone. I think Dr. Phil could help.

Not to talk about my ex again... but he really traumatized me for life in so many ways. Maybe its bad.... but maybe its good. Yes I always find a positive in EVERYTHING.

From the moment I met my ex... every - EVERY word out of his mouth was a lie. Seriously. I didn't know it. I was naive. Ok maybe stupid - but I prefer naive! I believed him. I trusted him. Why wouldn't I? Why would someone tell me he graduated from NorthWestern with a Bachelors degree in biology if they didn't? Why would someone tell me they had a full time job as a firefighter/emt if they didn't? Why would someone tell me they were in the Coast Guard Reserves if they weren't? Why would someone tell me they had a sister if they didn't? Why?

But he did. And that was only when we first met. It was all down hill from there. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie of some sort. EVERYTHING. But enough about him. This blog is about me. ME. Not him. I am self absorbed (so Leslie tells me!)

So after 6 years of this I have found myself thinking everyone is lying. Everytime someone tells me something - I think - wait... don't just believe them... they are probably lying. Don't just trust what they say. Its not just guys I meet. Not just my boyfriend. Not just men. It's everyone. My kids. My boss. My friends. My kids school principal. My vendors. My attorney. My hairdresser. Everyone. They could tell me they saw a squirrel climb a tree in their backyard and I think to myself - "do you really think they did?"

I do this for everyone. It is so much a part of my life that I just assumed it was normal. That every did this. It has been so much a part of my life I can't remember not being like this. But I know I used to not be this way. If I had been I would have known the truth about my ex right away because I would have looked into things and not just taken his word for it.

So you might think - well this is good for you. You shouldn't be so naive. You shouldn't just trust everyone. This way you won't make the same mistakes. Which all would be great if that was all it did for me. But the issue is... it is now hindering my relationships. Not just with my boyfriend.. but with everyone.

Of course I really noticed it because of my boyfriend. When I first met him - everything he told me I checked in to. (I think I have told him that... lol... if not I'm sure he knows now!) He wasn't lying. Of course he wasn't. Why would he. Most people don't. But then it got the point of me not trusting in anything he said. Not believing him. But he has never given me a reason to doubt him. In fact he has gone out of his way just to prove himself to me because of my trust issue. He has been so patient and understanding but how long will he put up with it? Its becoming a real issue.

Over the summer I had a big issue happen at work. Really the big blow up ultimately consists of me not believing what they were saying. But why would they lie? They wouldn't. They are honest, sincere, professional people. But all I could think is that I am sure they have to be lying to me. Not telling me the truth because that is what everyone does. It was a huge issue.

I could go on and on with situations that this has really been hindering me. Why am I so cynical? I have never been this way before. I don't like this side of me - not at all. Why? How do I stop it?

This really feeds into my over analyzing issue. LOL. Which can be nothing but bad news!!!

I want to tell people - please put up with it... I can't help it... I was traumatized. I went through so much. But thats not fair either. They didn't do it to me. They have never given me reason to not trust them. Never. Yet I don't trust them. For the most part they have given me EVERY reason to trust them. Yet I still can't trust them. How long will people put up with this from me?

So do I ask them to deal with it because I am a "victim" of sorts. Or do I stand up and do something about. Do I fight back and work hard on overcoming this. Honestly - when I started to write this I seriously was struggling with what to do. But as I just typed this paragraph I realized what I have to do. I am not a victim. I am strong. I am a fighter.

Tomorrow will be day one of my fight against the fear that everyone is lying to me. Step one. Admitting. I can't wait to get started. Who wants to be my first? lol.

I promise this will be my last post that has anything to do with my ex for awhile. I am just starting to really deal with everything that happened during those years of my life. I am really trying to overcome it all and put it behind me for good. But I do have to deal with what happened and what it did for me. Some people may feel it was just lies. It was just fiscal irresponsibility. But trust me... it was bigger than all of that. It has damaged me. It has changed my entire way I view the world. But now its my responsibility to use it for the good. I will. I promise.