Tough Decisions

So how crazy is it that I have been trying to get annulment for a year (moved out for two years) and in order to borrow money against my retirement I have to have his signature? But thats not even the worst kicker part of it. I need the money to pay my attorney to finish the annulment. AND the marriage isn't even legal. So what the heck? But it is what it is (a phrase I have come to despise).

Now what do I do? I have been thinking a lot about this. I don't have a lot of options. He already owes me a ton of money (almost 10k) and now he won't sign for me to get the loan so I can pay an attorney. And you know mommy and daddy are paying for his. But me, a single mom raising two kids with NO child support has to pay out of pocket for an attorney and he won't even sign a darn paper so I can do that. I hate him. So much. I never use the word hate because I think it is over used, it is way too powerful of a word for almost everything. But this time I truly mean it. I think it is wrong to hate a person... and I need to forgive. But for right now this is how it is. One day when things are said and done I will forgive and no longer hate. But right now... Its hate. He still has control over my life and my money. How does that work.

I'm trying to come up with a way to raise the money and raise it fast. I can't come up with much. The one thing I feel I could do now that I know I could raise more than enough money for is to go public with my story. For those that know me - you understand why that is true. I have already had conversations with a network about it. I don't want to do this because it exposes me. Big time. I don't want to do this because it exposes my boys. Big time. And believe it or not - I didn't want to do it because I know it would expose him too. Big time. Even worse than me. Even to a criminal point. I don't want to ruin his life. I just want mine back. That is all. But he won't let me.

Tuesday I have an appointment to talk with the network again (I guess I am using the right terminology for that) to determine what all it will entail. I am so nervous about all of this. But I don't really see any other way. And I need my life back for me and the kids. And the money they are talking about upfront will REALLY help me and the boys out. The money that could come from it after would probably set us for life. UGGGHH. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I don't want to tell the boys about him right now. I don't. I wanted to wait until they were older. But I believe I am going to have to tell them. I have an appt with a psychologist next week to help me figure out how to do that. Then give me some referrals for them to see someone. He doesn't understand that not only did he do so much damage to me, but to my kids too. I hate him.

Why does he insist on backing me into a wall like this? Why? I just want my life back. He has taken away some of my most precious years of my life. I just want to move on. If anyone knows him that reads this please ask him to let me move on.

Amanda